mom blogger

The Case of a Lost Identity? Or just evolved one?

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Feeling like I'm having a early-thirty life crisis. Sort of.


Being pregnant has had a mixed bag of emotions (or lack thereof, if you read my previous post on disconnection.)

 

But one of the things that is happening to me is this sense of urgency I feel to accomplish as many personal goals as I can before baby boy makes his appearance in January.

 

I told myself before I got pregnant that nothing really has to change when I have a kid. But the reality is, is that everything is going to change.  It's not just about me anymore, and I think the area in my life that will be most affected is TIME, and the fear of not having any for myself.

 

So I started to freak out thinking about all of the personal goals I have yet to accomplish. I'm working on my health/fitness business. I want to learn Italian. I want to go to Burning Man. 

 

So feeling like I'm running out of time ALREADY, I've been hitting the library hard focusing on my health/fitness biz. I signed up for Italian classes that start next week. Burning Man... well...that will have to wait lol.

 

I've heard from multiple people that scare the crap out of me saying, " be ready to lose your identity when you have a kid. Life as you know it is over! "

 

Yes, there will be changes. Yes, I will have to learn to manage time. Yes, it's not ONLY about me any more.  But NO, I refuse to buy into the notion that my identity will disappear. That all of my hard work, energy, invested time and dreams will go out the window. 

 

Sure, I'm freaking out a bit and trying to push hard with rolling out my dream ideas before January. But "the idea" that people's identities disappear when having kids just doesn't sit well with me. I'm a hard working, goal oriented, enthusiastic person and believe that 'ME TIME" is just as important as anything else. 

I will be a mother, which means I am the foundation, and taking care of myself and happiness (AKA PERSONAL GOALS) will flow into taking care of my family. I need to keep my sanity too, right? 

 

Nothing has to be lost. Life just EVOLVES.

 

So hear me now as I write down in words, a promise to myself, to stay true, focused, and be the best SUPER MOM I can.

 

Let's reconvene in 6 months, shall we?

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Feeling Disconnected- My Honest Pregnancy

 

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling with this pregnancy. I'm 18 weeks pregnant, and I feel so disconnected to my pregnancy. I planned this with my husband, I see the ultrasounds and baby boy moving around, but it's as if I'm watching someone else's. I know this sounds crazy, right? I see the baby moving on the screen and its so cool and beautiful, but as soon as I leave the doctors office I can't wrap my head around it being my pregnancy, my baby. 

 

I just feel like I'm relying on someone else telling me "your pregnant," but aside from my shitty days of morning sickness, bigger boobs and rounding belly, theres still no proof. It still doesn't feel real to me.

 

I feel like my excitement for baby boy stems from other peoples excitement. I'm not stressed, I don't feel sad or depressed, but the feeling of disconnection makes me feel extremely guilty.  I read about mothers bonding with their child in the womb, and think, Why not me? I don't want little boy to think that he's not wanted, the thought of that breaks my heart, so the guilt sets in more from my disconnected feelings.

 

Because of my feelings I took to the internet and apparently I'm not the only one that has felt this way before. But I'd like to hear from my network: Did anyone else experience a disconnected pregnancy. Did it get better as time went on or what was your experience like?

 

I know every mother, every pregnancy and every body is different and some moms need more time, or to actually hold their baby to feel the first, deep connection.

 

I would love to hear from you mommas out there on your pregnancy experience.